Seeing the above secret made me burst into tears. I’ve always saved secrets (since I was 13) that felt like they were written just for me or that could’ve been written by me—to remind me that I’m not alone or completely crazy; and despite having made postcards in the past, I’ve never mailed them in (I’ve destroyed them or slipped them into the books in Barnes & Noble). But tonight I noticed that in the last year my secrets have changed. I used to save and make such sad and angry ones… but since becoming pregnant with my son those secrets no longer feel relatable… they feel more like a saved diary from a time capsule.
It’ll be a year since I found out I was pregnant tomorrow AND he will be 4 months old. Since I discovered he was coming: I stopped smoking, drinking, hurting myself, lying, not taking my medication, binging junk food, not sleeping for days at a time then sleeping nonstop, running away from conflict, yelling to be heard but not listening, holding grudges, and every other horrible habit/coping mechanism.
It’s the first time since puberty I have felt confident making plans for the future because I no longer assume I will kill myself before reaching it. Although I love my husband and family more than they will ever understand, I always thought it would be better for them (and selfishly myself) if I was gone.
But I can’t bear the thought of not seeing my son grow up and him having to grow up without a mother who loves him so much.
I also can’t bear the thought of him having the “fucked up” mom.
So I won’t be.
I will not let myself ruin this.
No matter what.
And that has made all the difference. I didn’t think I could do it until I just had to do it. And now? Now I’m so happy. Thank God.
I never want to put all this baggage on him so I don’t know if I will ever tell him but no matter what else happens in our lives: he’s saved me. And that’s the happiest secret I’ve ever written!
I saved another not too long ago and it sums it up all too well: